So there’s lots of stupid things running around inside my head right now. Why do I feel alone, why am I not desired, why am I so bummed out right now. Like I said, stupid things. We had rehearsal at midnight tonight and it ran till 1:30. there was a big party in the P.O. for Canada/American independence day. It closed at 2. we get there are 1:30 and its all food. I’m not eating late at night so that bummed me out. Then I see people hooking up and hitting it off all around. That bummed me out. I see the new hot guy on board getting in good with one of the guys in my cast. That bummed me out and I’m not even looking for that. I see the other boy in my cast 2 boyfriends and that just irritated me, but still, bummed out. I leave the party with my sprite and go search B deck for the two guys I can always talk to and shoot the shit with, Ricardo and Ferdinand. They are asleep. That bummed me out. I go back to my room and check my email just to see if I got any cute emails or anything. Nothing. Bummed out. So I decide to go out to Deck 3 aft to my spot and watch the sunrise over the calm waters and try to clear my head and get over myself. Its fuscia, pink, orange, teal, navy. Its stunning. Not so bummed anymore. Then I see a bottle of champagne, a towel, and some fruit. A couple is back there celebrating something, probably their love for eachother. BUMMED OUT. I can’t even do that. So that lead me to my computer.
What started out as a diary of my travels might just become the only place I have to release my thoughts. I realize that it’s a very public venue but I’ll be damned if I just want somebody to listen and not talk back. You know what I mean. I called matt today and he sounded good, had some issues with the apartment but sounded good. I just called to say hi. He’s having a party tonight so I prolly won’t call so I don’t interrupt. Maybe I will. Who knows. Why am I even thinking that much about it. For some time I’ve been having these weird feelings of jealousy and hate towards people who have somebody. Somebody to hold and talk to and listen to and walk around and look at the sunrise with. There’s nothing I can do to change my current situation other than get fired so this is something I have to accept. Its just lately, in the last week or so a lot of things have kinda started building up and happening that have caused me to search deep into my sometimes shallow mind and question myself. Am I attractive. Am I approachable. Am I worth the effort. Am I too gay. Am I not gay enough. Like I said earlier…STUPID ASS QUESTIONS.
I don’t know where I want to take this so I’m gonna stop. Abrupt I know but you’ll get over it. This entry is kinda random but its been consuming my mind lately. I’ve been in a funk for a few days, being sick didn’t help, and I can’t seem to find a way out of it. The thing that usually cheers me up can’t right now and the other thing I’m not able to do because, well, where am I gonna take a dance class on this damn retirement home ship. The end. Whatever.
p.s. dad we were in helsinki today. but we didn't have enough time to see it so everybody just wanted to go shopping. it was cool though.
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